Wednesday 15 June 2011

Does My Kid Need Therapy?

I was called into school today to have a meeting with the school psychologist to discuss Little Bear's behaviour.  The tiniest little upset can set him off like a firework; screaming, shouting, kicking, hitting and spitting.  It's a pretty regular performance at school, and she was curious to know if he did the same thing at home and, if so, how we handled it.

Six weeks ago I was not handling it.  At all.  I was in despair.  He was throwing fits on a daily basis and i was trying every strategy known to modern and cave-dwelling parents alike.  I tried ignoring the behaviour but that made him worse.  I tried Time Outs but they don't bother him.  I tried smacking him but that just led to escalating tit-for-tat physical conflict.  I tried positive praise but that just enraged him.  I spent nights researching Aspergers and child bipolar disorder trying to figure out what his problem was.  I cried and felt like a terrible mother, not least because I found myself wondering if I still loved him.  I just couldn't understand how a four year old with a loving, attentive family could be so unhappy.  It was breaking my heart. 

But about a month ago there was a shift.  We decided to try a weekend without turning on the computer, so that we would be less distracted and more engaged with the kids.  It was so much fun that it is now a firmly enforced family rule.  Around the same time I also made a conscious decision to give Little Bear more 'colo', which is a wondeful Brazilian word that amounts to cuddling and holding someone like a baby.  Guess what?  In the last four weeks we haven't had a single episode of the same magnitude, at home at least.  He's being utterly adorable and sweet and happy most of the time.

For me, it was case closed.  But today the school psychologist was recommending we should take him for an evaluation with a child therapist to see if we can figure out what is bothering him.  I have my own theories; jealousy of his younger sibling; anxiety about growing up (and even death) and a desire to go back to being a baby, all of which manifest themselves in massive attention-seeking fits replete with baby behaviour.  See, I've got it all figured out myself.  Why do I need to take him to someone else to corroborate my theory?

Truth is that we Brits are not very comfortable with therapy.  I don't know a single British friend of mine that has ever been to a therapist, or taken their kid to one.  The therapy culture of countries like the US and Brazil is a source of total bemusement to us.  It's just not something that we do.  And if we do, I suppose we don't talk about it.  (Do you even get psychologists in British schools?  You certainly didn't in my day).  Of course I think that some people have some serious issues to figure out, but it seems like some people go to their therapist to indulge their precious egos for an hour, talking about how they feel about their broken nail or the boyfriend that just wasn't that into them.  The Brits on the other hand like to figure things out by themselves.  We're just not that dramatic or touchy-feely.  Stiff upper lip, Dunkirk spirit and all that.

Whether or not I take Little Bear to the therapist remains to be seen.  As for me, why would I pay to speak about myself for an hour when I can just spend an hour writing a blog post for free?  Thanks for listening.

42 comments:

  1. It's a tough one, but acting out is usually a cry for attention...our kids will get it one way or another be it for bad, good, destructive or quiet bahavior...what ever works, they will figure it out.

    As parents we feed into their manipulation for attention without even realizing what we are doing half the time. I think your extra cuddles, positive and focused attention and allowing him to regress for a moment and be your baby again (mom is so important to little boys) is a good call. The improved behavior will eventually bleed over into school...give it some time.

    You aren't the first mom to wonder if they like their child...loving them is a given, liking can be tough at times, but that comes and goes through out childhood, adolesence and young adulthood...I assume sometimes they don't like us much either. You can tell little bear adores you...go with your intuition for now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we're having fun. I think our customers really like our products. And we're always trying to do better.
      online casino malta

      Delete
  2. I enjoy reading your blog a lot! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Do you even get psychologists in British schools? You certainly didn't in my day"

    It is now a growing trend here in the UK mainly driven by the expectation of additional 'special needs' cash....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am so much pleased to get this planning. I am looking ahead to read more about it. This is a very lovely post.
      buy stilnoct no prescription needed

      Delete
  4. Attention & care. Colinho & bate-papo. No therapists needed. You guys will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "You know who" is in therapy. He beats people up at school. I got called in just like you. How do you find him at home and all that. Well you know him. He's energetic to say the least and has an explosive temper just like yours. Anyway, his teacher is a first timer, very young and softly spoken. He is twice the size of the other children in his class and can beat me at arm wrestling age 4. I saw an incident when I went to pick him up, fighting over a toy with someone, the other guy went for mine with all his might, but didn't even make a dent, mine shoves him back, other guy goes flying and ends up screaming and crying, and guess who got the rocket? I don't think he has any problems that require a therapists help, nor does anyone else that knows him well. But with the advise of a teacher friend, we have to do it, otherwise I will be labelled as the 'uncooperative, uncaring' parent. It sucks.

    I will try the 'colo' thing though. Big kiss.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Personally I don't think of therapy is that big of a deal either way. It's a place to talk to a person who is not directly involved. Personally, I find that post 4 yr olds will vomit out information to a plant. Doesn't need to be a professional.

    If cuddles are working, great! Go with it. You can always try the therapy thing if need be. Don't be pressured into a decision. Maybe he just needs to figure out how to communicate with the teachers. I bet some one on one chit chat during cuddles time with Mom will give him the communication tools he needs so he can speak his mind in school.

    Sadly Mommy cuddles do not get to go to school. (Even us Moms need a break!) But I'm sure Momma love and conversations can do just as much, if not more, than a trip to a doctor's couch.

    ReplyDelete
  7. for now I think you should check how is his progress at school...if he gets better like he did at home you are fine . If he gets worst maybe you should talk to a professional.

    ReplyDelete
  8. "I don't know a single British friend of mine that has ever been to a therapist" - this is especially interesting for a Brazilian to read. ALL my friends have been to a therapist. All of them, at least once...

    ReplyDelete
  9. I know that could sound a bit harsh but have you look into Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
    And yes these days in the Uk the schools have psychologists checking kids behavior at early age.
    A friend of mine had her son diagnosed with mild autism while in a school in London, now they are living in Brazil and the doctors there don't think her son is autistic... The Brits are catching up with the therapy culture slowly.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Danielle, I strongly disagree with your statement about Brazilians not having a good child Psychologist Educate yourself, before going on public blog defaming other Cultures! You must be American Hun!? And probably never left the country once! Poor ignorant woman...

    ReplyDelete
  11. brave and bold, well said. everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion....

    Benefits of Glutathione | Brazilian Waxing Videos

    ReplyDelete
  12. Exactly, it's not only matter of Brits but also all norther EU states. I'm sick of every psychologist fan. I don't believe them to resolve something. If I need talk about my problems with someone, it has to be a person which is affected.

    If I have problem with my brother i have to talk with him not with psy about my relation to my brother. This world is sick.

    Brazilians believe in the same think such as americans. IN TV
    I wrote something about police invasion in Rio

    ReplyDelete
  13. Lived six years in London, had my two kids in the US (3 and 4 years old). Well, know just a bit about British and American cultures (but my English still poor, sorry...). I moved back to Brazil last year and my daughter was having behavior problems too. It was my decision to look for a therapist - not for her but for myself. She's too little for this, but I think a psychologist could help me to see things more clearly. Yeah, it's intrusive. You talk about your life with a stranger! I don't mind and I don't care. What it's most important to me is to understand my daughter's behavior and help her and my family.
    Adriana
    http://gringuinhos.blogspot.com.br/

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hеllо there, just became aωaгe of your blog through Goоgle,
    and found that it is really infoгmative. I am gοing tо
    watсh out for brusѕels. I'll appreciate if you continue this in future. Many people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

    Look into my web page ... iphone repair petaling jaya

    ReplyDelete
  15. It's really a nice and useful piece of information. I am happy that you simply shared this helpful info with us. Please keep us informed like this. Thanks for sharing.

    Also visit my web site - http://repairiphonemalaysia.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am nоt ѕuгe wheгe you агe getting your informаtion, but
    gοod topic. I neеds to spend some time learnіng much
    more oг understanding mοre. Thanκs for wondeгful іnformatiоn
    I was looking for this infοrmation foг my miѕsion.



    Feel free tο surf to my web-site iphone Screen repair kl

    ReplyDelete
  17. The connections that you make early in your career will take you far. After 20 years it is still true for me. This has been true regarding companies I worked for and those I worked with. All you have written is excellent advice.
    frases para recalcadas
    frases para refletir
    frases para amigos
    mensagens de bomdia
    mensagens de boanoite

    ReplyDelete
  18. The connections that you make early in your career will take you far. After 20 years it is still true for me. This has been true regarding companies I worked for and those I worked with. All you have written is excellent advice.

    ReplyDelete
  19. You can't really say what is beautiful about a place, but the image of the place will remain vividly with you.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The love of beauty in its multiple forms is the noblest gift of the human cerebrum.

    ReplyDelete
  21. zopiclone online
    A magnetic starter is a full voltage starter designed to give thermal overload as well as under voltage security for collector cage motor and might be remotely operated automatically or through push button post if you are far from the motor.

    ReplyDelete
  22. It is important to shower after each workout at the gym. A simple towel will not rid the bacteria which can cause irritation and clog your pores.Use warm water to open up your shower.
    online casino malta

    ReplyDelete
  23. I haven't been there yet but was planning a short trip with my family. Such a place need to be shooed. And I think it is one of the most unique places in the world.
    climbing shoe resole

    ReplyDelete
  24. To acquire a higher publicity to your products or personality, People expend cash to Buy Facebook Comments to quickly obtain exposure immediately. facebook comments

    ReplyDelete
  25. Not any more delaying to get famed right now. Buy Facebook Followers as a way to acquire popularity and recognition on the internet in a small span. buy 500 facebook followers

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thank you very much for sharing information that will be much helpful for making coursework my effective.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Buy Tramadol Online USA:Call 1-315-512-2220,Buy Tramadol Online,Buy Tramadol Online USA,Tramadol

    Pills,Tramadol without Prescription,Buy Cheap Tramadol Online at the best price in USA.

    ReplyDelete
  28. This article is about the use and knowledge of techniques and processes for producing goods and services. For other uses, see TechnologyCostumes Rock Couples costumes

    ReplyDelete
  29. These days, around half of all marriages end in divorce.

    That’s a pretty sad statistic… especially because so many of those divorces are preventable.

    In reality, many marriages end prematurely. Why? Well, there are two reasons.

    Neither spouse knows how to prevent the passion, intimacy, and romantic connection from gradually fading away.
    They make the 3 “Marriage Murdering Mistakes” that very few people know about… and sadly, these 3 mistakes can quickly drive your marriage into disaster and divorce.
    If you’re in this situation…

    If your marriage is dead-as-a-doornail…

    If you’re heading towards divorce, or even if you’re already at that point…

    Then a new video by marriage coach Brad Browning will show you how to stop the downward spiral and breathe some life back into your relationship. (Brad’s a freakin’ genius, by the way.)

    =>Begin Repairing Your Marriage *Today* <=

    I wish I could force every couple experiencing a marriage crisis to watch this new video… because the strategies Brad reveals in it are extremely powerful and might be the difference between “unhappily divorced” and “happily ever after”.

    The best part is that you can apply the techniques described in his video on your own… without your wife even being aware that you’re making an effort to save the marriage.

    So don’t lose hope just because your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling, or won’t put in the effort to fix the problems that are slowly eating away at your marriage.

    Watch the video now by clicking here: Transform Your Marriage in Minutes<=

    There’s no catch to this, and no marketing gimmicks… just a complimentary in-depth guide to saving your marriage.

    At the very least, you should watch the first few minutes where Brad reveals the 3 ‘Marriage Murdering Mistakes’… these 3 massive myths alone are a huge reason why nearly half of all marriages end in divorce.

    Don’t give up on love yet. Take action today and begin re-building your marriage… start by clicking the link below to watch the video now.

    ==> Fix Your Marriage – Start Making HAPPY Memories<==

    The techniques in the video have already worked for hundreds of married couples…. and they’ll work for you, too. What are you waiting for?

    Here’s to a happy, healthy, and long-lasting marriage!

    Talk to you soon,

    -[[Ana]]-















































    ReplyDelete
  30. This is a excellent post. Do you have an email I can grab you on? Couldn't locate it throughout your website.Thanks Rotary Torque Semsors

    ReplyDelete
  31. Presently I realize that I was right.Thanks for the data you post. I simply subscribe your website.Acapulco Beach hotel

    ReplyDelete
  32. Many shops charge an excessive amount of for these kinds of products. Try foldable your clothing in innovative methods will occupy less room. Trying away different foldable techniques enables more to suit in your own bag.Sell iPhone XS Max

    ReplyDelete
  33. I read your article to learn a lot and hope to see your next article.Towing service Leavenworth

    ReplyDelete
  34. Your personal anecdotes and real-life examples really resonate with readers. I found your advice about trusting your instincts and seeking professional help when needed incredibly valuable. As a parent, it's often tough to strike that balance between being concerned and overreacting, and your article provides some much-needed guidance on that front. Kudos to you for addressing a sensitive issue with empathy and practicality. Looking forward to reading more from you in the future! 😊

    ReplyDelete